I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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