Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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