My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
