I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
