The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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