dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
