my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
