I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
