A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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