Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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