Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
