I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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