This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize