Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
