My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
