I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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