I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
