sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
