YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
