my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
