everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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