Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
