I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
