Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
