hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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