My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
