aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
