Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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