Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
