the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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