My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize