I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
