If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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