I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
