bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
