The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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