she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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