I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
NoShamevember. You game?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
