Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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