we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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