Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
