He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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