i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
