Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize