Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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