chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
