So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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