It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize