Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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