I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
