O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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