Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
