This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
