So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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